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Saturday, May 15th, 2010
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5:56 pm - Part I
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I had a boyfriend once. His name was Thomas. I met him about 6 months after my break-up with Brett, and if you don't already know that story I'm not about to recap. I didn't want a boyfriend, and I definitely didn't want Thomas as a boyfriend. I was just starting to get out into the world again from the dark fucking prison my head had been in for the last few million years, and I had friends again and I was going out again and having fun again. And then I met him, and as fate would have it we both moved into the same flat with our mutual friends, and then there we were, fucked up and not wanting each other and not keeping our hands off each other at all.
Neither of us knew what the fuck we were doing and we probably would have been fine carrying on pretending neither of us gave a shit about each other but I got pregnant. It's not as retarded as it sounds, I was in a safe zone in my rhythm method and I took the ECP the next day but, c'est la vie. Literally.
There wasn't a question in my mind about what to do. This guy, with whom I had no commitment and whose entire relationship with me was built on one big game of let's see who can care less, he couldn't be a parent. Neither could I. I can barely be human most of the time. But it bound us together, and so together we were. Scared and shaky and built on the most unstable of foundations, neither of us really trusting the other, we were together.
It didn't last. And when it broke, I broke with it. Not for the first time because I'd been broken before and I certainly wasn't a clean slate. I guess mostly because I didn't see it coming so it came at me from behind, through my shoulder blades and slowly worked its way through to my chest until it had pierced my poor heart that had already been roughly mended more times than I care to remember. And then I was back where I started, in the dark. No walls, no windows. The only thing I had was the hope that he'd change his mind, and I think that was the worst thing of all. Despair is something you can cope with, you breathe it in and take it into your chest and it consumes you and you make your peace with it. It's the hope that kills you. It's the hope that has your heart painfully squeezing itself back to life just to shrivel and die again, and again, and again.
But I was lucky. Somehow, through some miracle, one of Thomas's friends had seen through the mess of our relationship and seen me. He reached his hands down into the darkest reaches of my abyss and he said, hold on. So I held on and he pulled me back. And the world was just like I remembered it but it was completely different, and I started to adjust.
And then Thomas came back.
--------------------------EDIT--------------------------
I added everyone who commented so far, I can't keep making public entries though so for the rest just comment and I'll add x
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 17th, 2008
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11:17 pm
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| Monday, November 26th, 2007
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3:05 am
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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5:29 pm
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LAST DAY OF UNI = OVER
The cell bio test this morning was SO HARD. I studied so much and it was still really, really hard. I think I am going to be conservative and say a B-, maybe a B, but we'll see. Anyway the only marks I have so far for the first quarter are all my chem labs and assignments, and they were all A+'s except for one chem lab where I got a C :(
Ange I think Aus and NZ must have the same uni cycle, 2 trimesters during the year and a summer trimester? Anyway I have two weeks off! Forget about marking the firstyear assignments. Forget the test on the Monday uni starts again. Forget the chem midterm the week after (they give the chem midterm after the break so we have 2 'free' weeks to study, apparently most people fail it anyway so...I'm afraid). Forget about the chem assignment. Forget about the lab writeup. Forget about the biomedsci essay.
I'm going to my boyfriends to EAT JUNK and then FEEL FAT and lie in bed all night and day. And hopefully even sleep? God I need sleep. I was up until at least 2am every single damn night this week. My hands are shaking.
HOORAY
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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1:16 am
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Ok...this is a pic from me over the summer at work, I made it black and white and highlighted it (it's not photoshop, it's this program called Picasa) and yeah...it's really my turn to put a pic up where you can see my face so you don't all think I'm a creepy old man. P.S. Please remember that I am 3kg lighter now and...I don't know, I hate my face.
( Face shot )
Anyway it's 1.30am, I should really get back to cramming xx
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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11:45 pm
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not_asnowflake's journal
sad
